I had much sadder shit to say last week, but the stars aligned. Heartbreak on the heels of a Taylor Swift album release hasn’t happened to me since 2011 when my college boyfriend laid his head in my lap and said we were breaking up. Red came out the next year, 2012, I was married but only 7 months had passed between the leaving and the courthouse (old habits die screaming). When I heard the lyrics dancing ‘round the kitchen in the refrigerator light, I pulled my car over and called Kacie. I was wailing and she was working. I was married to a man (who v much gave tolerate it energy towards the end, there) and I was sobbing over a dumb college boyfriend who djed on the side. Not my proudest moment.
Much like Taylor, I’ve already given everything to someone who did not choose me. I’m so done situating my art between that love. I wrote about him before I even kissed him (without ever touchin’ his skin). She gave us reputation (falling in love with Joe), Lover (comfortable love), and Midnights (breakup album 100%). Joe does not get to monopolize The Tortured Poets Department. My last love does not get to take more of my mind, space, and time. I have been writing about him for two years. I want to write about sending nudes to an old lover and being in my feminine energy, but instead it’s all about my teeth falling out and not eating. My writing well for that love has gone dry.
There is no timeline or story where I am still in that relationship and this album exists. I am a chosen one, a rarity. This has been written in the stars for me since the beginning. That I get these songs and I get to be alone. My comfort gone and these songs in its place.
My childhood best friend and I are going through breakups at the same time. We call each other to get things done around the house, put dishes away together and talk about how dare they do this. I felt pretty good about everything and I even held off tears until I heard you said I needed a brave man then proceeded to play him until I believed it too, and it kills me.
We joke that we’ll find our Travis Kelce and we daydream about turning them down when they realize (they always realize). We develop crushes, we agree on what we deserve. We hold each other through the hurt and we’re so close to putting away the feelings of rejection and seeing it for what it was: Not Right.
I am thankful to be left; I am grateful because I have always stayed. Endured. Waited for things to feel right and better after a rupture. I’m a different person now than who I was a few weeks ago. I will no longer work for a love where I am holding up the rope of us and the other end has gone slack, where I am not held in high regard among friends, or where the trust is broken. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I knew it wouldn’t last forever. There was always something in his eyes that felt unsure and that made my anxiety rise…but it was all in my head. Everything was fine. (These are all affirmations I tell myself every morning when I wake up.)
Everyone has asked me my favorite songs/lines on the album, so lights, camera, bitch smile let’s do this:
Fortnight — obvious answer. Post Malone is the reason I got back on Raya last week after I heard he lived in Dallas. I have since cancelled that subscription. I love you, it’s ruining my life describes September 2022 Kristin. She moved to Austin and tried to forget about aforementioned love by chronically dating, it didn’t work. Post Malone’s building lines in this song just do it for me. THOUGHT OF CALLING YA, BUT YOU WON’T PICK UP — I throw my hands up every time.
TTPD — who else decodes you — with a slight of the brow or mood change, I knew what was wrong every single time and him with me
once I fix me, he’s gonna miss me — this song (My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys) feels like marching and that is my only qualm with it
Down Bad — is the song most people I know said reminded them of me. Crying at the gym? Check. showed me that this world is bigger than us then sent me back where I came from, for a moment I knew cosmic love — so fuck you if I can’t have us — the anger stage of a breakup feels so bad to me, everyone said I’d get there and would feel vindicated but I don’t want anyone to hurt. Anger does not feel good to me.
pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away — describing anxious attachment like she wrote the dictionary definition in lyric form — meeeeee — how much sad did you think I had in me? — enduring, waiting. I told you.
I’m telling him to floor it through the fences, no I’m not coming to my senses — But Daddy I Love Him is a soul song for me. It’s Fearless, it’s ‘tis the damn season, Love Story, it’s Other Side of the Door…it is the track I come back to again and again. screeching tires and true love??? Just put that on my tombstone, please. It’s all the things I love about 90s country and Taylor’s storytelling. I’m a Love Story stan in a way that is honestly kind of delusional and scary. My best friends who go to her concerts with me can tell you when she plays that one, my whole body forms sobs. (remember this when you get to The Prophecy)
dutiful daughter, all my plans were laid
Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? — another obvious favorite are you joking? There was a time where we only got glimpses of Taylor’s anger (ahem Mean, Innocent, Bad Blood, This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things, LWYMMD, mad woman, my tears ricochet) at the industry/the sc**ter of it all/the kimye/politics and THIS SONG is what I’ve wanted as a fan — my qualifications are from 2007…til the circus life made me mean, don’t you worry folks we TOOK OUT ALL HER TEETH
I Can Do It With a Broken Heart — this one is for all the teachers out there <3 We put on armor and hit our marks, we aren’t allowed —nor do most of want to— to show our emotions, our personal struggles, divorces, and endings. The students see us more than they see their own families, and most of the time, they do know what’s up but we fucking kill it at hiding it. No one could do what we do, try and come for my job.
I just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal? —- Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed? Were you writing a book? Were you a sleeper cell spy? —— FULL SEND on if you don’t want me, leave me alone.
I Hate It Here —- for the readers and micro dose girlies <3
let it once be me — a greater woman stays cool — The Prophecy— for the ones who wait on their love story, watching all their friends fall in love, move in, get married, kids if that’s your thing, and fulfill this really huge plot line.
and I’m just getting color back into my face
My brain immediately connected But Daddy I Love Him to Love Story. Thank you for seeing it also!
TRY TO COME FOR MY JOB
🩷 i love you 🩷